Stop for a moment and notice your breath. Be still and listen. Get into your body.

A couple of years ago, I stopped at the grocery store after a morning of giving personal training sessions. As I was on my way to the cashier, I bumped into a fellow trainer and stopped to chat for a minute. He eyed what was in my cart and after spotting a block of cheddar cheese, pointed to it and exclaimed, “That won’t keep you lean!” I don’t recall what I said to him after that, but I never forgot the ridiculousness of his comment. It wasn’t the first time that I’ve run into somebody I knew at the grocery store who, knowing that I’m a personal trainer, turned a critical eye to the contents of my shopping cart. The field of personal training is rife with judgments and strong opinions about what people should and should not eat and how they should workout. I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that I have my own list of strong opinions on these matters, but there is one profound difference I find between myself and my fellow trainers.

For starters, I listen to my body and eat what it tells me it needs. That means that I sometimes eat pasta (gasp!), real butter, whole milk yogurt, an occasional glass of red wine, and yes, even cheese. I’m also learning to accept what I think of as “imperfections” in my body by loving them as they are. Loving what we find fault with has to make up the foundation for any changes we want to make in our physical fitness.

I wasn’t always so accepting of carbohydrates and fat. In fact, I used to abhor their existence on my plate, counting the number of grams of various nutrients and limiting myself to only certain quantities per day. I held on to this rigid calorie and fat gram counting so tightly that I would eventually binge because I was so hungry. Foods with a higher fat content give you a feeling of fullness. I’ll never forget a martial arts seminar I attended during this fat-phobic time of my life, when a more senior student who was also a biochemist said to me, “Renee, fat is good for you! You need fat.” He went on and on extolling the benefits of fat and the good things it does for the body, including mentioning that the brain is composed mostly of fat. When he was done, he sealed his proclamation in a comforting tone of voice by saying, “So, go have some fat!” I laugh about this now, but I remember feeling a sense of skepticism and the smallest bit of openness taking hold within me. I wanted to trust what he said but I wasn’t able to let go just yet. It would take me many more years to get that point.

I have finely tuned radar about the way people talk about food and their bodies. My hyper-awareness comes from many years of disordered eating so it’s easy for me to identify the same kind of destructive self-talk that I used to engage in every day. Notice the language and attitudes that we wrap around food and exercise. We refer to some foods as being “sinful,” “indulgent,” or we might say that a particular food is going to go entirely to our hips, or that we’ll have to do extra cardio because we’ve been “bad.” All too often I hear people walk into the gym, only to talk about how badly they’ve been eating or that they’re bad for taking a week off from their workouts. Not only is this a terrible way to talk to ourselves, but using a workout as a punishment is not an effective motivator for producing the outcomes we say we want. But it doesn’t stop there- the marketing that permeates the food industry operates on guilt and easily exploits our weak spots. We partake of foods that are cloaked with the labels of “non-fat,” “diet,” or boast claims like “Only 100 Little Calories!” Someone may have a legitimate medical condition that would benefit from diet modification such as lower sugar, fat or sodium. However, I’d like to address the mentality that seems to afflict the majority of Western culture, and that is the attitude of fat thinking.

When we buy foods that are diet-, low- or non-fat or reduced calorie, we are actively affirming that the foods we want to eat are not okay in their natural state. Stop thinking that you’re not okay or that you’ll like yourself more only after you drop some weight. Boy don’t I know this inside and out! The key is to allow yourself to just be what you are. Give yourself the space to be and within that space will be the freedom to reach out and embrace the body you have. You are the only person who has to live in your body, so why not enjoy it and treat it well? Why not honor it and provide it with the best care you can give it? If you want to lose weight, that’s an excellent goal, but abandon the idea that weight loss will make you happy, worthy and good enough. I know from my own experience that my self-loathing didn’t disappear when I saw the numbers drop on the scale. In fact, I would quickly dismiss my progress and target a new part of my body to direct my criticism towards. We have to reform our negative thoughts with kindness if we ever want to be free of this self-imposed tyranny.

Most of us have an area of our body we’re dissatisfied with. Cellulite, a beer belly, a muffin top, back fat- these are just a few of common complaints. First and foremost, love those parts of yourself instead of shunning them and directing hatred and disgust towards them. Did you ever change or improve a part of your body or mind after you blasted it with criticism? We grow and heal when we are in a safe and nurturing environment, not one that is shaming. When we create a hostile environment for ourselves, we only strengthen the very things that are keeping us from reaching our goal! Shaming ourselves doesn’t provoke positive change- it only pushes us further down into misery. Just as a tight muscle won’t stretch if it is forced, our bodies won’t change the way we want them to if we use threats and hatred.

To me, this is the most crucial part of personal fitness training that is all too often ignored. It’s good to eat a healthy diet and to exercise, but if we don’t change the way we think about our bodies, we are only engaging in a vicious cycle of conditional self-acceptance. Give yourself the freedom to listen to what your body needs. It’s okay to want to change your body, but start loving yourself right now, just as you are, today.

About the author: Renee is an avid fitness and yoga enthusiast whose movement provides her with an outlet for her high energy plus a space for creative self-expression. Renee believes that given appropriate guidance and support, everyone can learn to access internal strength, live to fullest potential, and find a silver lining in every challenge. She currently is a member of Team Janis, assisting in the mission of Ontological Weight Loss: Your Once-in-a-Lifetime Solution. To learn more about Renee Millman, visit her website: www.reneemillman.com