Family has known you a long time. Just because you have achieved X, Y, or Z in your life doesn’t mean they have forgotten what you did to them or that silly nickname of yours. Or perhaps you have not accomplished what you meant to and others have. This can lead to spoken and unspoken judging and assessing. It is easy to resort to control, old habits and protective behaviors in the face of ancient family dynamics. Who’s to say you have to spend 24 hours a day with your family? Why stay with them if you know you only have tolerance for 2-4 hours (or one hour!)? If it works for you to be with them, great! But if not, design something that will work for you, your spouse and your family. It won’t make you popular, but it will set a healthy example for the other members of your family. In the end, you can enjoy the people in your family. The only question is at what distance and for how long? Manage that!

History is mostly what we have with family. We spent a lot of time with them a long time ago. There is such an intimate bound we have with each other. The challenge is catching our relationship up in the short time we have together over the holidays. So, if you change, then I should have changed, right? My life can’t be too good or it will threaten others. I can’t have too many problems. I have to be just so. Is Dad going to be like he used to be with me? There are all sorts of conversations that haven’t been had (good, bad and ugly) and we are going to catch up on all of them in a few days? That seems like a set up for disappointment and upset. Laugh about your history or redirect the conversation. Or get up and take a walk. You cannot control other people but you can manage your own thoughts, feelings and body. Do that!

Injury is a common occurrence during the holidays. People are distracted and not present. They are in surroundings or weather conditions they are not familiar with. This makes you ripe for a fall. The injury may be an emotional one. Be careful about who you expose yourself to. If you see someone being reckless, remind them to slow down. If someone does get hurt, go to their aid. Even if you are clear that they got hurt to be the center of attention. Travel slow. Look for potholes. Watch for sharp corners that you might snag yourself on (like Aunt Matilda!).

Illness is common. People have run themselves ragged trying to get everything right and perfect (again) and leave themselves open for sickness. Take great care of yourself. Wash your hands a lot (your mother was right!). If you get sick, do what animals do in the wild and LAY DOWN. You’ll be surprised at what gets accomplished without a super hero in the room.

Pressure/stress is all manufactured by us. We can be carefree and effortless when we choose to be. Notice when you get pressured or feel stress and simply stop where you are. Go no further. Take a breath and ask yourself what would serve you best in this moment? And then do that. It is simple and requires a commitment to managing yourself instead of suffering or surviving yourself, others and your surroundings. You choose to allow stress. This lets me know that you can choose to not allow stress.

Expectations of self and others are rampant. It is on the TV and the radio. It is in the catalogs that clog your mailbox. This should be the holiday you never had. This should be when everyone loves and appreciates you. There is no faster route to a problem than to have expectations and then not communicate them. So, let people know what you expect. And then ask them what they expect. And then, just before you leave, check in again and see if everyone got their expectations met. If not, you probably got a lot of them met by being straight and responsible. You also set a great example for next year.

Travel is grim, based on the expressions on the peoples faces at the airport. Everyone is pressing forward to get to a place they would rather be. Or maybe a place they would rather not be. What if we traveled slowly to our destination and enjoyed the people around us? What if we said please and thank you and helped other people on their journey? What if we stopped and enjoyed the view? What if we packed and ate healthy food along the way? Take care to not miss the value of our ability to travel long distances at speed. It is actually quite amazing when you think about it.

Gifts have lost their meaning. We do so much comparing that it is a challenge to give a gift and then be with the process of the person opening our gift, enjoying our gift and then thanking us for our gift. If you are wondering what to get people, everyone loves love. Write people a love letter from your heart to theirs. They will remember it and cherish it long after the battery powered sweater has rusted out. Remember, no matter how big or small, it really is the thought that signals your love and that is what counts.

Gorge/starve are the places that most people find themselves over the holiday. Some creative people do both (first I will starve and then I will gorge). Every year we eat too much and feel bad about ourselves. “But it was all just laying there for me to eat. I can’t pass it up,” we think. Or we starve ourselves in the face of all the abundant food and nourishment. What about having a balanced and sustainable relationship to food at the holidays.? It is worth practicing, don’t you think? Take what you need. Eat till you are full. Get up and walk away. Wait for dessert. Have seconds if you feel like it after checking in with yourself. “Is that enough? What hole am I trying to fill with all this food?” Be gentle and slow in this area.

Holiday traditions are a great way to share community with others. And people have a tendency to resist these if they have not chosen them in the past. Or they may have tolerated something for years and they are simply sick of the ‘life-size ginger bread pony decorating day’ that happens in Uncle Williams frozen back yard each year. Pick and choose what you participate in. Healthy boundaries are good for you and others. If you have not participated in a ritual, try it out (I try an olive each year to discover if I finally like them. So far I don’t). Dance with people and the rituals surrounding the holidays. Be a yes for some and a no for others. There is no perfect holiday other than the one you choose and experience. Have fun!

Shopping can be deadly to your mood and your bank account. Most people want you to give them a gift if you want to and can afford it. No one is sitting at home wondering why they didn’t get something from you. Be conscious when you are shopping of the seductive nature of shiny things. They cannot make up for the love or closeness you don’t have with someone. Only your gaze or touch or words or deed will truly do that. Buy gifts if you like. Don’t buy gifts because you should or have to or because you are afraid that I might get you something and you might be embarrassed.

In closing, the holidays are meant to be times of closeness, joy and celebration. If it isn’t that way for you, the start designing and living into a holiday of your choosing. Be careful about being victimized by your family, our culture, or our media. You have a choice about how you feel, where you go and what you do. Enjoy your people and what is possible in the holidays.